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kings_advisor @ 04:17 pm: Billy

Billy:"It's been three weeks since I last saw Elijah and yet no word. I wonder if he got there ok. He must have he's strong. I hope he's ok, I hope he's finding happiness. I have been going about my duties to the king and aiding in the finding of his son every day as I should be. Every day knowing the truth, every day lying, and every day my heart breaks just a little more. I've been pacing my bower ever since I got off duty two hours ago. The first hour consisted of a constant chant of "It's over, it's over, it's over" running through my head. I still don't think I grasp the concept yet. It occurred to me somewhere around the hour and a half mark that Elijah was my first love. I can't help but drown a little in self pity. When I'm alone in the dark of my chambers I cry bitterly. I cry myself to sleep. I never did understand how much I loved him, not until I lost him. And isn't that always the way. Yet if you love something you cannot keep it hidden away for your own happiness. Love is a sacrifice in and of itself. But letting go for love is the ultimate loss. And the ultimate sacrifice. And yet I draw breath still, not for myself, but for my duty as a living being. I live to one day be able to breathe freely again without the constriction of sorrow in my chest. I will be able to see out of eyes not blurred by tears. I have wondered many times if I could take that night back would I. Is the pain worth it. At first I was sure it was. Now I don't know. Somewhere deep inside I know that life experiences are a gift and yet I have no one to ease this burden of pain. I never thought I would entertain the notion that ignorance is bliss. Not someone like me that thrives on knowledge, that thrives on wisdom, that lives for passion. However living with passion is dancing with fire. It's enchanting until it consumes you. Some nights I'm lost, I don't know what to do or where to go to escape his memory. My mind the only power in the world that can make my body sick devours me until I feel as though I would crumple or burst into a million tiny pieces. But whilst on duty I must not show a shred of my pain beyond what is considered a normal amount of worry. I must not look like a lover who has lost the only thing that ever loved him back. And this must be what dying feels like. Yet there is no release. I have seen thousands of years come and go and I have seen the tears of the world but I never understood. I never could see what pain mortals bared and I have new respect for them now for it. Fae in general do not have strong emotional ties to others. It is not bred into our kind. Yet Elijah taught me how to feel, he taught me how to live, and he taught me how to love. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I can still feel his fingers on my hips and his forehead pressed against mine. I can still hear his last words to me and the look on that beautiful face as he stepped out into the night. But most of all I remember the pain from the broken place inside of him and the moment when he allowed me to glimpse into it. The moment when I shattered. If I could heal his soul with the blood of my body I would. If I can make him whole by giving up as a sacrifice to him my spirit I will. And with his name on my lips I will sleep but never will I rest.

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